Tip For The Day

MEN: Listen up.

I really don't care who you are. You could be Brad Pitt, George Clooney, the vampire guy from Twilight, the hottest piece of ass in Wayne County (hehe...shout out to J-Fab!) or even Efen. But ESPECIALLY if you happen to NOT be one of those people, here is what I don't want to hear out of your fucking mouth when I'm shopping at the grocery store late in the evening:

"Mmmm mmm mmmm. I bet you taste as sweet as you look."

Ohhhhhhh hell no.

I'm still pissed off. And had it not been for the fact that it was 9:00 at night and I was alone, and he was majorly on the scary side, I would have beat his fucking ass (verbally, anyway, with maybe some sharp pointy nail action to the eyeballs thrown in just to make myself feel better) right there in the bread aisle.

Generally, this particular come-on line does not a successful pick-up make. Just an FYI for ya there, in case you were wondering.

And if you still think this is a good idea and have any questions, feel free to LET ME FUCKING KNOW.

'Kay?

Four on the Floor

I absolutely LOVE Sundays....so full of promise. And by "promise", I mean, "lounging around on the couch, taking a nap, watching movies, and havin' a snack."

I absolutely HATE Sunday nights. When 6:00 pm approaches, it's the promise of another work week, of having to go to sleep at a normal person's hour (which is impossible because of the aforementioned nap and all-out lounging and lazing), and of saying "sayonara, bitches" to another weekend. *sigh* I'm such a whiner.

Whatever.

And what a fun weekend it was, in spite of having to sneak in several hours of work on Saturday...hanging out with Not New Guy on Friday night at my house, and last night it was dinner at his house with a couple of his friends (and now, happily, my friends as well). The three of them had been hanging out all afternoon, and as one of them so eloquently put it when I got the phone call on my way out of work: "we have been previously drinking"..... Sounded good to me, and I did my very best to catch up. Not New Guy made an incredible dinner on the fly, after much pressing and prodding by the rest of us, and a lovely drunken time was had by all. I have to think of some fake blog names for New Married Couple Friends, because New Wife Friend and I have decided to have high tea at this new hoity toity high tea place and then blog about it....New Wife Friend is very excited about being Guest Blogger. (Or she will be, when I remind her of how excited she is to be Guest Blogger on the High Tea Review Blog.)

In other news, I'm getting another new MIT (manager in training) the week of February 2nd. I haven't had one since October, because THAT m'fr was a handful. I just now signed off on him and cut him loose...." na na na na, na na na na, hey heyyyy...goodbye...".....and looking forward to finding out about this new person. She is from Bozeman, Montana....Bozeman, Motherfucking Montana! Which is exciting for me, because in about a month, I get to fly out and spend a week at HER store. I've never been west of Tulsa, (shut up, Efen), so it should be interesting! And if it all works out, when I'm finished in Bozeman, I'm off to McConnell Air Force Base in Kansas for another MIT. (We have some locations on Military Bases in the US and Puerto Rico.) Never been on a military base either. (Shut up, Efen.) This week, my company acquired another, smaller eyeglass chain with 64 units in Florida, Texas, Arizona, and the like...which, I hope, means that I'll get to do more training and a bit more traveling. It's interesting, it gets me out of my store for a change of scenery, and gets me home on the weekend, for hopefully more like the one I've just had. :)

The bad news? My new promotion at work is going to require a face-to-face meeting with the Vice President of Operations. *sighhhhhh*....really? Do I have to? Can't we just do this thing over the phone? Y'all are just going to have to wish me luck on that one, because I'm totally out of other people's tranquilizers.

Have a great week everyone...I know I've been lax on my commenting as of late, but I'll blame that on my precarious internet connection. And my apathetic laziness. I'm still lurking though :)

(Oh, hey, Not New Guy....wtg.)

Red, White and Nerds

No, not "Nerds" as in wonderfully delicious tiny bites of hard candy-coated sugar.....I mean "Nerds" as in "You big bunch of dorks".

Yes, on this historic day, after all the pomp and circumstance, I was moved enough to totally steal this Nerd Test from Heinous. What? You thought I was going to be all political and shit? Well, I might have been, if I hadn't been pissed off within an inch of someone's life at work today. But I was, so I'm not. Make sense? Too bad.






Clearly, I'm cool. What?! I feel certain it's very scientific, or whatever it is that you nerds use to measure other nerds.


And on that note....welcome to the future, y'all.

We're not where we should be, but thank God, we're not where we've been.

A Random Hot Mess

The Girl tagged me in another meme (I swear, one day I will write an actual post where I form words of my own volition), and it's a good one! It might give you some insight into the randomness that is my life...or, it could just leave you feeling empty and cold inside.

But you'll have that from time to time.

So, the deal is:

1. Link to the person that tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Once again, I'm effing the rules, and I'm not tagging anyone. But it's fun to share.....therefore, if you feel so inclined, by all means.... go for it!

Fuck.

I can't think of anything. Maybe it's the pressure. Yeah, that's it...it's the meme pressure. What is a quirk, vs. a non-important thing about myself? What is really a "habit", as opposed to just something I like to do on an everyday basis? Perhaps I should just freestyle this one, what with me being a rebel and all. And who said I had to have six things? Maybe I only have 5. Or maybe I have 19. You just never know.

Did you know that I started smoking when I was 15 years old? Because I thought it was cool. I remember specifically trying to become addicted. (I was smart that way.) I smoked for 21 years. Quitting that smelly, expensive, albatross of a habit was the single best thing I ever did for myself. (Sorry, my smoker peeps...I'm not one of "those" ex-smokers...y'all can smoke all you want. I'm telling you to trust me, though....yeah, it's fucking HARD to stop. But you honestly cannot imagine anything in your life that feels better than that...not just physically, but psychologically too.)

I have fake nails. And fake hair color. And soon I'll be getting a fake tan. And sometimes, I'm fake nice.

I'm a reality TV whore. Don't care who knows it. Go check out McMommywood for all your Real Housewives needs, as well as other things celebrity/entertainment. It's fun to make fun of people on TV, just because you can.

Right now, I'm a little bitchy.

I used to be a voracious reader. Now, I haunt blogs. What's wrong with this picture? I'm all "I don't have time for anything" when what I really mean is "I need 23 hours a day to blog/comment/lurk/Twitter/Facebook, and if get nothing else done, that would be why". My secret is out. I need blog rehab. (Which I feel sure I could somehow tie into my reality TV addiction, if I could get Dr. Drew to comment on my blog.)

I'm an optician. Have been for about 20 years. I know of all things optician-like. Yesterday, out of the motherflipping blue, I needed reading glasses. SON OF A BITCH. Snuck right up on me...and I'm f'n pissed about it. Gray hair? Not a problem. Turning 40? Bring it. Readers? FUCK.

I'm not loving McRedHeadedMedicDoctor on Grey's. Sorry.

A year ago, I took a "Career Development Assessment" online, so that I might be considered for a promotion at work. I finally got my promotion this week, because they finally fucking looked at my test. That I took a year ago. "Gee, I hate that we took so long to go over your test scores, Laura, seeing as how you scored higher than 95% of everyone in the country who's ever taken this test, ever." Ok, that's not the WHOLE story...but geez. A whole year?!

I have heartburn. Right this minute.

I pay a ridiculous amount of money for cable service, when there is ever hardly anything worth watching on. But the minute I cancel all the unnecessary channels, they'll do like a "Knots Landing" movie and I'll totally miss it. Can't cancel. Just in case.

At what point does New Guy become NOT New Guy? And can I really change his name when he does become Not New Guy? Wait. I think that's his new name.

I'm apathetic. As if I give a shit.

Mimi and I are planning a cruise. I'm torn between "Yea! I'm going on a cruise!" and "OMG, we are totally Dorothy and Sophia."

I STILL have not seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Hello, Not New Guy?? Ahem?

I need sleep. Right now....I need sleep! (That may be obvious to some of you.)

Gimme A "D", y'all

So, Momma posted a cute meme-type thingy, and I wanted in on it.

It's called the Alphabet Super Game, and it's where you list 10 Favorite Things that begin with the letter the blog writer assigns to you. Momma gave me the letter D, which is actually kind of a tough one! I mean....vodka starts with "V" right? But...I asked her for a letter, so let's play....

1.) Doughnuts. I mean, everybody likes doughnuts. But I NEVER eat them. I don't even think about them. If I want something sweet, it ain't gonna be a doughnut that I reach for. Except.....when I'm dieting. WTF? Especially if I'm doing low carb -- must be the fact that doughnuts are big ole sticky, sugary rings of carboliciousness. Whatever the reason, I crave them...little doughnut diet-sucking bastards.

2.) Dreaming. As an added bonus, dreaming happens while I'm sleeping, but "sleeping" starts with "S", so I cannot wax poetic about that particular subject. I'm not talking about just any dreams, though. I'm talking about the ones that are sooooo good, that when you wake up, it takes you a full minute to realize that it was only a dream. Sure, it sucks at that point, but the good news is that you're probably not going to remember it by noon anyway.

3.) Dogs. J-Fab is going to laugh at this one, because until I got Lola, I wasn't exactly a lover of all things canine. But come on....how could you not love this face?

4.) Diamonds. Duh.

5.) Daisies. What girl doesn't love flowers? (Specifically when you get flowers at work, and you know your work peeps are a little jealous....but that would be mean-spirited, and y'all know I'm just not that way.) I love flowers, and I adore daisies....specifically Gerber daisies. They're fresh, and simple, and beautiful....and they make me happy :)

6.) Johnny Depp. Yeah, I know he's brooding and kind of dirty and probably a little drunk on red wine most of the time....but he's wicked cool.

7.) Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. I love the Food Network, and this show is money!

8.) My DVR. The greatest single invention ever. After chocolate. And birth control. And pedicures.

9.) Dirty Vodka Martini. HA! I worked it in!

10.) My Dad. Oh, I know...I had to go there. Sometimes we just don't "get" each other...and other times, we're the only ones who do. As his only daughter, I'm forever his little girl. (As witnessed by how he asks me if I've had the oil changed in my car every single time I talk to him.) And as an added bonus, his name is Don!

My thanks to Momma for playin' the game...and if you'd like to, just let me know and I'll pull a letter of my hat. (Yeah. Like I'd have a hat.)

The Facebook Reunion

So yeah, I'm all about the Facebook these days. Because, you know, I'm 41. And that's what we do.

I had a MySpace page first...my nephew Nick and Jenny Fabulous both talked me into that one, and it was fun playing with the graphics and the music and stuff for a while, but it was really kind of smarmy and weird. Plus, I had to take it down once because of that whole aforementioned stalker issue with the ex-BF's ex-wife, because I'm klassy that way.

I built a Facebook page about a year ago, but didn't really log on much. I kind of didn't "get it"...it wasn't like MySpace with all the fancy graphics and funny pictures and, you know, the quizzes. (Mt. Dew or Dr. Pepper? McDonald's or Burger King? Ocean or Mountains? Morning quickie or Afternoon delight? Gripping.) But a couple of months ago I started finding people on FB that I hadn't seen or talked to in years. And...shockingly, that wasn't such a bad thing this time.

I wasn't what you'd call a "joiner" in high school. Hell, I don't like people now, so I certainly didn't put myself out there and get the whole high school experience. I wasn't a fan of going to class...that might have been a problem, ya think? I was more a student of, well....how should I put this...ummmm...botany. And so rather than actually making it to school in the mornings, my friends and I were more likely to make it here, after a proper brain fry. (I told you....klass-say!)

But I totally lost my train of thought digress.

My 20th Class Reunion was held in 2005, and I made sure to find myself out of town that weekend. I'd sort of kept in touch with a couple of people, but I'm not crazy about that sort of thing...reunions, weddings...any sort of social gathering where I'm expected to plaster on a fake smile and pretend that I'm excited to be there. (I'm aloof that way, ok? Don't judge me.) And while I'm no longer paranoid in that way, I still get the huzz when I think about actually having to be in the room with all these people. However, it has been so fun talking to them on FB! We get to share pics and info on what's been going on...and if you don't want to actually talk to them, you can just peek at their page, privately, and no one's the wiser. Lurking, Facebook style. Loves it! I have a few blogger buddies on there also, as well as old neighbors, co-workers, and family members. Even my beloved Mimi is on there now. The other day, I found my 11th grade boyfriend...this morning, one of my closest high school friends contacted me, and I haven't talked to her in five years. Last weekend, my very oldest friend in the whole world signed up, and I get to see pictures of her kids and see what she's been up to. The picture at the top of the page is a graphic of all my current FB buds...I know it's hard to see, but I'm sure some of them will appreciate that ;)

Anyway, I need something to do when I'm not blogging. Or registering to win the HGTV Dream Home. Or texting. Or Twittering. But that's a whole different post altogether...

It's No Coincidence....

.....that the word "diet" begins with "die".

Fucking diets. Whose idea was this, anyway? Some man somewhere, I feel sure. Fuckhead.

Anyway....my new blogger boyfriend, Heinous (oh, relax, Efen, he's not REALLY my boyfriend...I just dig the way he sports that lid in his pic) , gifted me with the following:

(Don't you love his internationale flair? So smexy.)

“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must may choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Thank you, H31nOus...coming from you, this award rocks!

So, as the all around general rule-breaker that I am, I'm not picking 8. I'm picking one...not that there aren't many who deserve it, but just this once, I'm all about Vinomom. She somehow has the wherewithall to write these wonderfully long, descriptive posts full of honesty and humor, and I just appreciate her style :) So, Vinomom, honey....congrats!

Now...about this fucking diet. Today I had a conversation with my assistant that went like this:

Assistant: So, blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Me: Huh?

Assistant: Do you have diet brain?

Me: Huh?

It's gonna take me a couple of days to come out of my sugar /fat/grease/holiday food withdrawl coma. Bear with me. On the bright side, I feel way skinnier already.

Fucking diet.

Bring It, '09

Well well well.

Another year is upon us, and I'm changing things up.

I made a resolution, actually. I've never done that before, simply because hello, I've met myself, and I know how this is gonna end. Good intentions and all, but two weeks into it and I'm back with the Eskimo Pies, right? This year, however, is the year that I get organized. Seriously, it's to that point, y'all....I can't find a fucking thing anymore. Tax returns? Pantyhose? Lola's medicine? That new bottle of hand cream I just bought? My American Express bill? Into the abyss. It's becoming something of a nightmare, and I can't take it anymore.

I started today with my broom closet office at work, and already I can feel the pressure lifting off my shoulders. And does anybody else use the dining room table as the catch-all-of-those-which-have-no-home? Or is that just me...ok, probably just me. I don't use that table often (I have a smaller one off the kitchen) and it's kind of the first room I come into when I get home....so it's the depository of everything. Mail, coats, purses, books, shoes (don't judge me -- if I leave them on the floor Lola will think she has a new chew toy)....the world seems to end up on my dining room table. I think I will go on an organizational shopping spree this weekend and get everything I'll need to get organized.....

....and then promptly dump all that shit on my dining room table and go watch Bravo.

Anyway, I thought the world needed to get a glimpse of what my father -- aka "Poppa" -- wears every Christmas. You may have wondered why I don't mention him that often on here.....this would be why.




Oh yeah. I said it. "Christmas Pants".

Hope everyone had a safe and Happy New Year!